What do I Want? How Will I Know When I Have Found It?


This article is about our personal values. What matters to us on a deep level is very important when it comes to dating, more than you perhaps realise. My personal values are honesty, freedom and passion. Values underpin all our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and they map out how we see the world.

Looking at clients’ values is an important part of what I do as a dating coach. In dating coaching, understanding your values and beliefs can help you realise what you want. It allows you to understand yourself better, find out what you are looking for and maybe why you aren’t currently getting it. Finding out this information will instantly allow you to start looking for it, and stop doing the things that prevent you from finding the relationship you want and stop wasting time on dates and relationships that are not right for you.

How to get in touch with your values

Think about someone you really admire. They can be someone you know or a famous person. What is it you admire about them?

Make a list. Describe the things you really value about them. Think about each one carefully. They can be things like honesty, freedom, creativity, security, stability, spontaneity etc. Think about each one of these values in detail; what does this mean to you? Write this down.

These are likely to be your own values too. What we often admire in others, and what we are attracted to in partners, are often the things we value in ourselves.

Reflect on what your values could be. When you know you want something from a relationship there is usually a core value behind it that it matches.

When dating coaching I ask clients to think about the values they want their ideal man or woman to have. After all, if you don’t know what you’re looking for how will you know when you find it?

For example:

Client: I want someone with a good job.

Glow: If you had a relationship with a good job what would that give you?

Client: Stability

Glow: If you had a relationship with someone who is stable, what would that give you?

Client: It shows they are responsible

Glow: If you had a relationship with someone who is responsible, what would that give you?

Client: Trust

Trust = Core Value

If you explore several things you want in a relationship and each time you come back to the same value then this is your core value. You can then start looking for it.

The next step is to think about past relationships. Have any of your previous partners matched these values? How will you know when you meet someone who does? What proof or evidence can you look for that the next man/woman you meet matches the values that are important to you? How will he/she act? What will they say? What signs can you look out for?

I had one client who had never stopped to analyse what she wanted in a partner and just went for the first man that showed any interest. Unfortunately, she ended up in a short and unhappy marriage. After coaching she analysed her values and started to realise that her husband did not match her values and that they just weren’t right for each other. This helped her to accept that it was right for her to end the relationship, and also what to look for in her next relationship. Happily, she has now found the man of her dreams who matches all of the things she was looking for and they got married in May 2011!

I hope you found this useful. For more information on me or dating coaching please go to my websitewww.glow-coaching.co.uk. Here you can also download my free dating and relationship self-coaching guide and sign up for my newsletter. You can also like the Glow Coaching Facebook Page or follow me on twitter @glowcoaching.

Alice Stapleton

About Alice

Alice coaches those who want to change career but don’t know what they want to do instead. She offers Career Coaching designed to help graduates, early to mid-level career-changers, and parents returning to work gain a clear vision of what career is right for them, and how to achieve it. She is also an accredited Coach Supervisor, and host of The Career Change Diaries podcast.